Dried Flowers and Trains

Realizations.

I’ve only recently realized that I don’t have that much emotional support in my life. I guess it’s not my family’s fault that their default support system is money. It’s just what they do. Times like these I wish I could turn to them without fear of humiliating myself. For my Mom to just hug me and tell my everything will be alright. But they’re not the kind.

To be honest neither are most of my friends, now and in the past. Most of them are selfish and that’s the way people are, I know.  No matter how much I tell myself not to put others before myself I know I always will. I’ll always be there for them to talk to me. I’ll never go into detail about how much it can hurt when they ignore me, or don’t talk to me, or go back on their promises.

Of course I’m not perfect either. 

Maybe that’s why it hurts so much.

I took that ‘color’ test. It was surprisingly accurate.

Your Existing Situation

Constantly moving forward in her life and career in order to gain a higher position and more recognition. Unhappy with current circumstances and needs to constantly make changes to herself in order to become a better person.

Your Stress Sources

“Wants the freedom to follow her own heart, goals, and dreams and to earn the respect as a unique individual. Desires to pursue every possible opportunity without limitations or things standing in her way.”

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. she is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome her lack of energy and may become irritable if she does not recover.

“Feels she is carry more than her share of problems. she is flexible and laid back, sticking to her goals and working to overcome any difficulty.”

Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective

“Longs for tenderness and for a feeling of acceptance from a partner. Appreciates things that are beautiful, pleasing to the eye, and stylish.”

Your Actual Problem

“Prefers to be left in peace and avoids arguments, confrontation, and conflicts.”

Your Actual Problem #2

“Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other.”

Obviously there needs to be something about loneliness on here.

It hits hard and sudden, the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Mostly at night, when I just feel the knawing in my stomach for someone to hold me. I can sometimes feel their arms there. 

It’s really very interesing, seeing as I go out of my way to avoid contact with other people, especially in the romantic manner. I’ll find someone who ‘gets me’ one day, perhaps. 

For now I put on youtube when I sleep so someone else’s voice is there.

To be honest I really don’t mean to come off as pathetic as I sound. I don’t think I’m pathetic. 

Detached is a very good word for how I’m feeling right now. It sometimes feels as if time just doesn’t apply to me. The days so on and on, yet I don’t feel affected. This scares me, what if one day I wake up and I’m old? My life has passed me by, but I’ve done nothing to show for it. It’s a terrifying thought.

Yet I do nothing to change myself. I sit in bed, I eat occasionally, I type out these introspective and nonsensical paragraphs to try and understand myself. 

Is this life? I know the answer is both yes and no. Yes, it is. No, I’m not going to let it be just that.

Tempted.

To cut my hair even shorter.

To go out on a limb.

To go running in the middle of the night.

To not care.

To just run.

You know what I don’t like?

The F-word. I never use it. I’m not talking about ‘fuck’ by the way. I say that all the fucking time. Fuck fuck fuck.

I’m talking about the “gay slur”. Though these days people seem to be using it for different situations, mostly relating to friendship.

It’s one of the few words I just don’t use; that and the n-word and the c-word.

I see people using it on here, and I just wonder why. What do they achieve from using it? What is implied? Do they feel like the fact that they are not ‘straight’ they can use it without shame?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m old-fashioned.

Maybe I do indeed think too much into things. I would love to hear another opinion on the topic. Freedom of speech is always so complicated to define. Maybe freedom of speech also extends to what words we choose not to use…?